RUN!!!

“What are we waiting for Ashish? Let’s head back.”

“Mommy what happened? Is there a big fire?” Ria asked.

Anya pulled my hands, “Mommy, let’s go! I am very scared”.

“Ok, Ok. Let’s go. I just wanted to check the news if there is any mention of this attack. Let me just call Shalini and let her know we are coming back”, Ashish said to me.

Just as he looked at the phone, I saw a huge crowd running towards us. I saw people throwing their shopping bags, their phones and shouted … “RUNNNN!!! Run!!!” 

It felt like a huge Tsumani wave that is rushing towards you and the time just froze. I saw a guy fall down, with his belongings on the road. He got up, didn’t even think to collect what spread on the road and started running. I saw confused looks on faces of others. Slowly, my brain started processing everything around me and I came back to life. I didn’t even blink or see anything else. I just held on to Anya tight and Ran.

“Mommy, I do not want to die! What is going on?” Anya screamed and started crying. I tried to wipe her tears, as tears starting gushing out of my own eyes. This is not how it’s supposed to end!

“Nothing will ever happen to you, just hold mommy’s hand tight”. All this while I was scared to turn around, what if the shooter is right behind me. I felt a chill run down my back and I just wanted to wake up from this bad dream!

Gosh! Where are Ashish & Ria! I had to look back, I forced myself to look back praying that I don’t find myself at the end of a gun. Then I saw Ashish running with Ria in his arms and pointing to a small alley.

It was the weekend before Thanksgiving. We were talking about where we could go for long weekend. London seemed a good option and it seems we could get seats easily. Also, the added attraction, my cousin Shalini, whom I had not met for years. There were years where we would talk to each other on phone atleast 3 times a day besides the time we would walk together to school or meet at our favorite place Fateh-Sagar. We would laugh more than we talked and people claimed they knew we were coming from our laughter! The years we spent together, would never come back but the memories that we had built together will never fade.

So, it was decided…London it was! We packed four carry-on bags and set on a journey across the pond. I had always wanted to visit London, since the time I read Agatha Christie or Jane Eyre or Wuthering Heights. I always imagined what London would look like, the old smoky city with Mary Poppins flying over the sky. Or will it look like the city Sherlock Holmes roamed around with big magnifying glass. Or maybe I’d get to see muggles mixing with wizards flying on brooms! I couldn’t contain my excitement when we landed in London. As I walked out of the airport with my kids besides me, I could hardly contain my excitement. I had a feeling it would be a great trip.

We made through the long ride in Tube to Shalini’s house. She was there, waiting at the door and pepping out with her usually bright sunny smile. The time just froze. All the memories came flooding back. The hug lasted for hours and tears won’t stop. It took us 8 yrs to finally meet and we didn’t want to let go. I couldn’t believe it, we were here. We caught up on our past years, laughed on old memories and its special when its not just you and your sister but your husband joins too. After all we were part of one KANVAS.

We spent the first day visiting Sky Garden, Tower Bridge and Tower of London. Couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw Kohinoor and thought it looked incredibly small. Kids went around in every room hoping to see the queen! I marveled at the architecture, going from one room to another, wondering how it would have looked during the days when the queens and kings were real. I stood longer in front of the pictures which showed the London 100-200 yrs back and it was hard to imagine that such a London was real. Now it’s like any other city with tall glass buildings merging into one another.

Next day, Shalini promised she will meet us at Oxford Circus to go out with kids. Her daughter was the first cousin my kids met. They jelled in perfectly fine giving us the glimpses of our childhood together. The constant giggling, chatting and playing, I wonder where they got it from! Morning was dedicated to the Queen…we went to see Buckingham palace to see change of guard. We were late, and there was a massive crowd. We plopped kids on our shoulders and tried to get as much as we could of the show. Among all this, Anya shouts – “Does the Queen know, she is missing a good show!” Everyone around us laughed.

From there we walked through Hyde Park enjoying the lovely fall weather. Kids made snow fairies in the fallen leaves, we had our warm coffee in our hand, which tasted amazing and I thought to myself, this couldn’t have been more perfect! Ashish and I held hands while kids walked in front of us. We walked to various attractions - 10 Downing Street, Westminster abbey, Big Ben (getting a face lift) and clicking pictures with the iconic Telephone with tinny little crown on it. Kids loved every bit of it, taking as much as they could. Finally hungry we decided to go to Nandos near 221b Baker Street. This was a dream come true. I was smiling ear to ear clicking picture on the street. God only knows how many Sherlock Homes novels were read comfortably snuggled into bed.

Like mom wanted to visit Sherlock Holmes, girls wanted to ride in iconic London buses. They were so excited to sit on the upper level of the bus, something we could relate to since we both lived in Mumbai. We made ourselves comfortable in a near empty bus and called Shalini that we are on our way. Shalini mentioned she was running late and would join us soon as possible. From far we saw the big angles hanging in the sky near and the beautiful Christmas lightings. Slowly, bus stopped moving and came to a halt. We were wondering what is going on and heard multiple sirens going on. Then a guy with small kid looking scared walked to our bus and said, you better get down. Something has happened at Oxford Circus station and the police have blocked the area.

We got down and started to walk towards the station trying to understand what is going on. We saw few reporters infront of BBC building talking to people with their cameras ready and talking to anyone who wanted to give a story. Another lady stopped us and said to turn around and leave because there has been a blast. The mention of it made me panic. Anya understood everything and got nervous tugging my hands and asking us to go back to Shalini Masi’s house. As we walked closer to the station, the panic in the air grew. Kids got nervous and we were not sure what is going on.

“What are we waiting for Ashish? Let’s head back.”

“Mommy what happened? Is there a big fire?” Ria asked.

Anya pulled my hands, “Mommy, let’s go! I am very scared”.

“Ok, Ok. Let’s go. I just wanted to check the news if there is any mention of this attack. Let me just call Shalini and let her know we are coming back”, Ashish said to me.

Just as he looked at the phone, I saw a huge crowd running towards us. I saw people throwing their shopping bags, their phones and shouted … “RUNNNN!!! Run!!!” 

It felt like a huge Tsumani wave that is rushing towards you and the time just froze. I saw a guy fall down, with his belongings on the road. He got up, didn’t even think to collect what spread on the road and started running. I saw confused looks on faces of others. Slowly, my brain started processing everything around me and I came back to life. I didn’t even blink or see anything else. I just held on to Anya tight and Ran.

“Mommy, I do not want to die! What is going on?” Anya screamed and started crying. I tried to wipe her tears, as tears starting gushing out of my own eyes. This is not how it’s supposed to end!

“Nothing will ever happen to you, just hold mommy’s hand tight”. All this while I was scared to turn around, what if the shooter is right behind me. I felt a chill run down my back and I just wanted to wake up from this bad dream!

Gosh! Where are Ashish and Ria! I had to look back, I forced myself to look back praying that I don’t find myself at the end of a gun. Then I saw Ashish running with Ria in his arms and pointing to a small alley. I made a dash for it! We found a back entrance to a bank and quickly went in. As soon as we got in someone locked the door behind us. I saw around 50 people on the stairs leading up to the upper level. Some were crying and some were just dazed. I didn’t know how many of them actually saw the event happening and how many just like us were running from the unknown. I saw a woman looking out of the window and instantly I thought, what if the shooter breaks into this little shelter, that window would be a good escape! We didn’t know was going outside. We tried looking up on phone, but the news channels didn’t have any updates. We called up Shalini and she said the same. No one knows what happened and there are no details on the news.

Sitting there on the stairs, trying to calm Anya and Ria, I still couldn’t believe this happened to us. This is something you listen on the news, not become a part of the news. I didn’t even want to think of how this will impact them. Where is the world going? I just couldn’t stop hugging them, fearing the worse. This is the new reality, hiding in stair cases, students being taught to save themselves during active shooting or running away! I thought we had left the middle ages behind. For the first time I knew what fear looks like, for I looked at in those innocent eyes holding my hands tightly. I looked at the fear in the eyes of my babies. As a mother, it ripped my heart out!

After 30 mins, we saw people walking outside. We just couldn’t sit here all night long and found the courage to step out. As I stepped out, I looked on the side to see the road we just came from! It felt weird and I just turned away to walk in the opposite direction. With Anya by my side, Ashish in front with Ria, we decided to move on. Now, I understood the full meaning of saying if you get scared you let them win! We went on to enjoy rest of our trip. I met my fabulous friends from St. Mary’s (Sonal, Sanchita and Deepali), from Mumbai (Prashant and Swati), went to Windsor Castle and made it to platform 9 ¾ on Kings Cross! On our way back to US, seeing Anya and Ria enjoying Captain Underpants in the plane I knew we would be OK!

Two Men and a Taco (A Fiction)

It was a cold rainy day and waiting for the train made it horrible with every passing second. We all huddled together, looking for warmth and protection. I see the train slowly approaching the station. It looks like a young and beautiful girl approaching a group of people looking at her and she knows that they all are waiting for her. She moves slowly, swinging side to side, teasing. As she gets closer there is new excitement in the group knowing that finally when it arrives, there is a better place waiting for you!

I take my seat next to window. My big novel is finally over and I have nothing to occupy my thoughts and they run wild. I look outside the window trying to concentrate of what’s going on yet nothing excites me. There is nothing in this cold weather. The trees are bare, there is no activity, and it’s all brown. Then on one of the train stops, something bright catches my eyes. It looks like someone is renovating an old building. It’s being painted bright orange and yellow. I smile looking at it, thinking what they could be building next to a station with such bright colors. It did break my mood and I was thankful for it. I kept thinking about it all the way to work. Maybe it’s a kids play area, or maybe a restaurant or maybe a bar. I could feel the excitement of starting a new place, the dreams that it might hold for them. Maybe they took all their savings out on making this work. Living alone has its side effects, all you can think of is how you can be around people more.

Next few days I watched as the work progressed on. For the few seconds when the train stopped I tried to make out how much progress is being made. One day I watched as they put their sign up. Finally I know it’s a Mexican restaurant – Two Men and a Taco! What a weird name! So I know there are two men who are involved in the project. Must be brothers, Mexican brothers for sure. Maybe the whole family is involved in the business. The wives will work to make sure food is good and the guys will handle the bar and guests. I start thinking about the food. The smell of warm tacos, the rich aroma of chicken being cooked in spices. Even the simple bean and rice tastes so good. Reminds me of our own Indian version called Rajma-Chawal.  Of course, to wash down all this good food, one would need a big jar of margarita. I wonder if they will end up Americanizing the food or will it be authentic. My love for Mexican food started with my solo trip there in the beginning of this year. I remember inhaling the food over there. The fruits and the food, the spices everything was so amazing! The sudden jerk of train’s movement and I am back staring at this bright colorful place.

As days pass, the restaurant starts to take shape. One day the furniture got delivered and I could see they have decided to go bold with the furniture too. I saw a guy in plain jeans and oversize coat talking to a guy next to the truck in an animated way. He was all red and was clearly upset. I wonder why? Maybe a chair or a table was broken. As the train start to leave the station, I turn around and tried to see as much as I could to get a hang of what happened. Oh well, I won’t know. However, that doesn’t stop me from thinking about it. I wonder how they will decorate the restaurant. Maybe they will keep it simple or maybe they will go overboard and put everything closely related to Mexican in it. They might have live music too! It would be such a fun place to go. Maybe I can stop here on my way home someday. Maybe I’ll get to talk to the owner who was nearly going red about the furniture story. What explanation would I have to remember such a thing!

Two Men and a Taco became my new obsession. I felt like I own that place, atleast mentally. In the morning and evening I look at all the new development happening and back home my dog, Gogo, gets a run-down of the days event. I am sure even he wants Mexican dog food now. I tell Gogo, they have put up a sign of – Now Hiring. Maybe I should look for a job over there. I could become a part of their family and they might let me run the place too! Gogo looks at me as if it’s not him but I who is dreaming with eyes open. I wonder, why did I become so attach to this place? Is it because I need to feel a place to belong. Living alone was my choice, then why do I feel so empty. My friends keep trying to hook me with some strangers all the time. I couldn’t find someone with the same passion for food and seeing new places, so I just resigned myself to four walls of my apartment. I walk the whole apartment in 20 quick steps with Gogo right behind me. Maybe he thinks we are going out for a walk. Instead all I am doing is measuring my world!

Finally the big day came with a huge banner flapping “Opening Night today” and my heart skipped a beat. One part of me was super excited, felt I build this place up from ground up and another part of me was sad, I won’t have anything to look forward to. The whole day I kept thinking whether it would be successfully opening or will they be disappointed. Will they have a line in front of their restaurant or will they have to drag people in. On the way back from work, I had this nervous feeling as if I am going to get the results for my exams. As the train slowly approached the station, I saw few people outside. Nothing crazy as I imagined, maybe I am watching too many episodes of Restaurant: Revamp on food channel! As the train came to stop, I don’t know what took over me. I quickly grab my bag and dashed for the door and as the train slowly started to move out of the station I felt stupid. Well, now that I am here, I might as well get my margarita. As I walked towards the restaurant I heard loud music, it was catchy. I saw few people staring at me as I walked towards the restaurant and opened the door. Once inside I felt as if I was home. The walls looked so familiar, the furniture is laid out the same way I thought it would be. The music was nice and even though it wasn’t too crowded, there were enough number of people in it. I felt relaxed and was already walking towards the door when I heard this huge voice calling me–

“What…You can’t leave without having a drink on the first night of this restaurant or did the competition from across the street send you to spy on me?”

I jumped like a scared cat and turned around to see who it was. It was the same guy who was standing outside when the furniture was getting delivered.

“Huh! Hmmm…no. I just came to see…”

I just couldn’t finish the sentence. He didn’t look as red as I thought he looked the other day. He had a warm smile on his face telling me he was kidding. He sleeves were rolled up and he looked relaxed. The dark black hair, danced over his eyes. I could hear my heart beating way faster than I am used to.

This time with more confidence, I replied “Hey, I am Avantika. I wanted to check your new place out.”

“Ohh Welcome but why leave so quickly then! My name is Mike. Do you like Mexican food or a big bowl of Margarita? For a beautiful lady like you, it’s on house”

“Haha! Sure, I hope your partner doesn’t mind?”

“Partner, there is no partner. If you are referring to the name of the restaurant. I just thought it would be weird enough to get people in!”

And he laughed out loud, an infectious laugh that spread into me like a current running through the wires and I couldn’t stop myself and laughed with him. He stepped behind the bar and served the best margarita I had in a while.

He started to tell his story about how he likes trying different cuisines, travelling the world and learning to cook. It was his dream to open a restaurant while he could as he didn’t have any attachments yet. As I sat and listened to him, it felt like I knew him, from some other time. I felt like our worlds collided today for a reason. I looked into his warm eyes and felt like I was floating away. Then he did something which made my heart skip a beat…he held me with his eyes and smiled back!

A fog

There is a strange comfort and stillness in the constant rhythm of the train. My hand presses against the hard cover of the book that I want to read. Looking outside the window I realize the scene outside changes constantly running from one city to another, yet my world inside the train remains the same each day. The seasons changed from lush green summer, to bright and beautiful orange of fall to now this white sheet of snow marking the onset of winters. The faces I see each morning are the same, just more layers to keep us warm. I do not have to fight to get inside the train. I remember Mumbai where getting inside the train is an art in itself. There are no gender related compartments. People very politely give way yet there is no eye contact or acknowledgement of your presence. Everyone carries their own world with them, yet we all merge so comfortably every morning like a perfect jigsaw puzzle.

I hear people talking about their kids, their challenges with their job or even make plans to meet for lunch and yet it’s very still and quiet inside the train. I remember a blog I wrote couple of years back, where I saw two friends who were speaking through sign language and how soothing it was at that time against the noise of Mumbai train. Now, sitting in this train even with everyone talking, I miss that constant commotion. Kids singing the latest Bollywood songs, women selling vegetables, fruits, flowers and even clothes. Here, you are all alone, in your own world.

Slowly the train moves to the last stop, Chicago down town, train conductor shouts the same thing – Go make some money. Amazingly everyone laughs, every day. Everyone forms a neat queue and quietly gets down giving nods to the people you know and slowly as our worlds merged we go quietly go our own way. Coming out of the station the fresh air of Chicago down town, the river and lake hits my face. I take as much as I can inside my lungs and close my eyes for a second.

That one second I am transported to a different time when the wind used to dance in my hair. Once you get used to the constant commotion, the smell of dried fish right under your nose and people sticking to you like your second skin, you mathematically plan your move close to the door of the train and the fresh air hits your face and you close your eyes for a second. In that one second you can make out which station is approaching - fresh Parle-G cookies being baked in a factory, the passing of Mithi River near Mahim or of an approaching monsoon!

I open my eyes and I am brought back as the bitter cold wind wraps around me. I look around at sea of people they engulf me and urge me to move forward. You don’t have to remember where you are going. Like a huge wave in the sea, this sea of people guides you just like it used in Mumbai. It is amazing how my life is from 12 years ago when I was in Mumbai and now in Chicago, they collide yet remain the same.

While Mumbai provided the comfort for a young girl who was just outside of college ready to take on the world, Chicago provides the exciting new journey for a mother and wife eager to begin the day so she could head back home to the warmth of being with family. Mumbai was hot and humid, Chicago is cold and surprisingly fresh. Mumbai provided a dream which I am living today engulfing me in a constant fog created by the warmth of memories from past and fresh new beginning of present.

Gravity...

I am driving back to home from work on a very cold evening. The windows in the car are all rolled up, the heat is on full blast and I see outside a landscape that has changed completely into winter mode with not a leaf on the trees. Tiny snowflakes float down aimlessly, some landing on the windows and immediately turning into tiny water droplets. The car moves effort less on the newly paved road. Without knowing what the drivers around me are thinking about or where they are coming from or going, I can almost judge their moves on the road. It has become a routine, a very dull routine for me.

Everything around me is so predictable, and suddenly I realize how much we take life & relationships for granted. I don't remember anymore what smelling a rose feels like, I don't remember what breathing feels like, and I don't remember what getting a tight hug from a loved one feels like. I don't remember what it felt like to sit in the shade of a tree with my best friend my husband lying next to me and watching sun play hide and seek with the leaves, I don't remember sitting and watching sun set against the emptiness of a sea, I don't remember what feels like walking barefoot on green grass or on warm sand of a beach. All this of course won't be possible were we not pulled by a single force. Gravity.

Few days back, Ashish & I stole some time out of our super busy schedule for a date and decided to go for a movie. Anyone who has kids would know it’s not an easy accomplishment. After discussing the time, the movie and the location, we finalized on a movie which had been making a lot of buzz. Gravity.

I went to the movie with no expectation at all simply because I didn't have time to think about it. Ok...so it’s about space, people stuck in space and then in the end they get back. What is such a big deal about it? We bought the tickets, took hold of our 3-D glasses and started walking towards the theater. I was more absorbed about the fact that I had left my kids back then with the movie. What are they doing, are the sleeping ok, and are they fighting, are they playing...

We enter the nearly empty theater, selected our seats and settled down. I took a deep breath and I forced my mind to stop wondering about kids and concentrate on the movie. I looked at Ashish sitting next to me and I realized suddenly we are alone, all by ourselves with no distraction and I just smiled. I held his hand and felt the old comfort creeping back in.

The movie began on a casual note with astronauts trying to service the Hubble Space Telescope. They have subtle incidents to indicate the lack one strong force, Gravity. Dr. Ryan Stone (played by Sandra bullock) doesn't hold on to her equipment tightly enough and they go flying away in space. When Matt Kowalski (played by George Clooney) catches it and returns to her, she replies - I am used to tools dropping on the floor not floating away. I chuckled and then I felt my heart skip a beat. How do you manage in a place which so endless? What do you see when you look up or down?

A Russian missile then strikes on a defunct satellite, which causes a chain reaction forming a cloud of space debris floating towards them. This high-speed debris causes lot of damage and detaches Dr Stone, who tumbles into the empty space. This is where you realize how helpless you can be up there. With nothing to hold on to, you just float away, but to where? Human body can deal for a while without food or water or air, but not all at the same time. At that instant, I felt like all my senses come alive, I noticed I was breathing really hard, I noticed holding on to the cold soda really tight, I noticed my feet tapping on the floor (an old habit when I am scared). I really wanted to stretch my hands to hold Dr. Stone and pull her towards me, pull her towards the safety of Gravity!

Ultimately she is rescued by Kowalski and as they start the journey towards International Space Station, the sun rises in the backdrop. Watching the warm sunlight that we all know so well spread through the cold and alien outer space, I realized how numb we have become to our surroundings. This simple yet most beautiful motion of earth revolving around the sun has created so many miracles that it’s even hard to imagine. Two tiny figures of astronauts moving across the large canvas of earth and sun remind me how little and helpless we are. We don't really control anything. We just feel comfortable lying to ourselves that I we are in control.

When they reach ISS, they try to grab the shuttle but become entangle into a giant parachute. Against the protest of Dr. Stone, Kowalski cuts himself and drifts into empty space and you see Dr Stone floating all by herself in the space. At that moment, I am reminded of another dialogue from the beginning of the movie, where she indicated to Kowalski that she likes being up in the space, away from all the maddening life of earth and she could get used to it. At this point, I feel like asking her again, can you...really? However much we always say to ourselves that we just want to run away from all this craziness; we can never really run away. At the end of the day, we always want to head home. Home where craziness is, home where your kids fill your heart with laughter, home is where love makes it all real...

The movie goes on and Dr. Stone finally return to earth and in the end they just show her feet firm on the ground...

I am not sure if any movie has left such a big impact on me. Made me realize that how tiny we are in front of what made it possible for us to evolve. When I came out, I held on to Ashish’s hand and looked down on my feet. When I came out of the theater I looked up in the sky and felt the comfort of being surrounded by things that make me alive. That moment i realized that love is real, family is real, home is real, even the smiles and tears are all real...just like Gravity is real...

Chasing the lights...

It’s been a long day and I can’t wait to get home. As I come out of the office, the darkness engulfs me and I wonder if I worked through the evening and into the night. No, it can't be. My clock shows 5 pm. I look back, the world headquarters of McDonalds shines behind me. The windows are lit with warm yellow light inside. The big Christmas tree shines in the background. The ever famous arch is shining and standing out against the darkness of night. Everything looks so bright and shinny in the dark background of night!

I warp my jacket around me tighter and start walking towards my car. The winter is slowly creeping its way into the windy city of Chicago. My breathe forms a white fog in front of me. As a force of habit I suck in as much air inside my lungs and then let out my breath slowly making a denser fog appear. I smiled to myself. It remained me of a silly game we used to play as children. We pretended to be smoking, only this is much healthier and it did make my nose tip a bit warmer.

The walk back to car is long. The wind makes my eyes water and my nose turn numb with cold. At this every moment when I desperately need the warmth of my car, I forget where I parked it! I sort to the help of technology, clicked on my unlock button on the keys and my car purred quietly ...somewhere. I did it again. I saw faint light blinking between the two cars. So, that’s where you have been hiding...

As soon as I get into my car, I turned the heater to full. I switched on my favorite channel on radio and the loud music of Hanna Montana’s song “Party in the USA” suddenly wraps me into the world of its own. I start my car, adjust my rear view mirror and I am on my way to chase the lights all the way to home...

While driving on the interstate Highway – 290, I realized that it’s equal to driving on any F1 race track. The cars rush past me, only because they can't go over me. I curse when someone is slow on road because I am getting late. I curse when someone over takes me rashly because at that point I am not late! I drive at 70 miles/ hour at times because the one ahead of me is speeding. Sometimes I am forced to drive 75 miles/hour because someone behind me is touching the bumper of my car! At times I chase a car in front of me because I want a second look at that good looking person or someone chases me to show the anger because I was not speeding enough!

Yet when somewhere someone decides to go ahead and have an accident, the traffic becomes more docile. The traffic jams in USA is a great leveler. Unlike in India, where people want to cut lanes and create a jam of their own, here it doesn't depend whether you have a bigger car, or you are richer than everyone or whether you can maneuver your car like a pro. Everyone has to wait in their lane. Everyone seems to follow the bright red light ahead of them as if they are hypnotized by it. I forget what’s around me and my whole world revolves around that bright red light in front of me. When it moves, I move, when it stops… I stop too!

While waiting for that red light to move, I look up into the dark skies. I see small white dots are chasing each other. They are known as airplanes waiting to land. Their chase never ends as they go round and round chasing each. It looks like an animated screen of a game called Pac man. The bigger dot scrolls on the screen to eat the little dots. The airplanes look like big Pac man eating the small dots called stars. They won't stop until they eat all or someone somewhere presses a button to let the planes know that they need to end the chase and for heaven-sake land the airplane!

There is a point on my way to home, where five roads cross each other in different direction and on different layers. Three bridges built on top of the two roads on ground. I can see the red and yellow lights chasing each other till they move out of my vision. I really love this juncture in my journey to home. For a moment I forget that the bright lights are attached to cars and wonder, how can so many lights, going in so many different directions not forget their way! They just keep chasing the one ahead of them. It looks like bright lights are skidding on a smooth road at high speed and yet never bang into each other!

At that point sitting in my car, I wonder when it I loose the track of time. I have become a slave of my habit. The cars ahead and behind me don't matter. The same channel on radio, the same music one after the other, the same road to office and back each day, the same angry mob trying to take over my comfort zone, everything becomes a simple chase to reach somewhere. I forget the tree and bushes are displaying colors of summers or falls or in winters nothing at all. I forget all about a native Indian dream catcher dancing like a ballerina dancer attached to my rear view mirror. I forget to look at the beautiful moon rising in the sky to spread the light while Sun takes a nap!

Probably someday I'll wake up from this hypnotism...only to realize I have missed a decade...

The Slumdog Millionaire: A movie that Indians love to hate

Few weeks back, I was talking to Ashish, my husband, about a movie which was creating quite a stir in the creative world. It was before it won the Golden Globe, Critics Choice Awards and the greatest of the awards, an Oscars. We didn’t know then, that it is directed by an English director, financed by an American company and is based on a novel written by an Indian. All we knew was everyone was talking about it.

The movie magically and shockingly took us back to the city that we cherish so much...Mumbai or Bombay. The city of dreams, the city of humidity and sweat. The city that has taught hundreds of thousands of large families to live in one-bedroom apartment. The city which taught so many of us to struggle and to dream. A city with a sky full of stars in the darkness of night, and filled with human stars in the daytime blaze–a city of fashion, of film,  of a murky underworld, and decaying slums.

The slums runs through this amazing city like a big snake, shinning black, slithering and swallowing whatever beautiful which comes its way. When you fly into the heart of city, the first thing you see is slums, eating away the hills, the greenery, and the beauty of the city. The roads in the city act as dividing mediums with big malls on one side shouting loudly the slogan–India Shining. On the other side, silently, lie slums that people in Mumbai have trained themselves to ignore, thinking that if they close their eyes to the problem long enough it will somehow go away.

Most people, who live in the slums, left their huge homes in villages that provided clean water, clean air, and land that is pure and fertile. Ironically, Mumbai provides polluted air and long queues where people must stand in line for water to drink and oil for cooking. Then they carry these basic necessities to their shanties of less than 100 square feet that provides shelter for families as large as six or more members. They struggle every day to try to realize their dreams to “make it big,” like the few hundred before them who have miraculously managed to achieve the fantasy.

Is this why they could not accept this movie? Is it because it shows the reality instead showing some beautiful location in Switzerland with stars like Sharukh Khan dancing to senseless tunes? Is it because the movie shows how kids can lose fingers, hands, even eyesight, for the “crime” of begging in the streets? Is it because it shows how kids are taught to kill for money to become the next don?

People don’t like the title of the movie because they see “Slumdog” as a putdown for those who live in the slums, as though they are no better than dogs.  If words are supposed to insult what about the word “Millionaire” that is right next to it? People say they didn’t like the movie because it doesn’t show the "India Shinning" image. Instead the director chose a very dirty place, Slums of Mumbai, which according to them doesn’t exist. I see this divergence from fact as comparable to when a leader of a country like Iran says that he doesn’t believe the holocaust happened. Though I agree that this is not the only part of India yet the story was not about India it was about love in the streets of slums. How else can you show that without bringing in the slums?

The big actors in Bollywood don’t agree with this movie probably because they didn’t get a role in it. Some say the movie won only because a foreigner directed it. Maybe they have forgotten that the only other movie about India that managed to win international awards was Gandhi. Gandhi is shown religiously in India on every TV channel on Independence Day, Republic Day, and on the anniversary of his death. No one complains for this masterpiece though this movie is also directed by another foreigner - Richard Attenborough, an Englishman, and the role of Gandhi played by Ben Kingsley, an American.

Yet when the same movie managed to win the first ever Oscar for an Indian musician - A R Rahman, India is celebrating. Kids who acted in the movie were wholeheartedly welcomed back into the slums upon their return from the Oscar presentations. They are treated as famous actors and everyone is happy for them. The use of “dog” in the title of the movie is no longer an issue.  Every news channel and every internet site in India is talking about how great the movie is.

Frida Pinto has all of a sudden become a big celebrity. Before this movie no one even knew she existed. She is being talked in every gossip column. No seems to mind a barely covered Frida Pinto on the front page of Maxim and Vogue. She has even managed to get a role in Woody Allen’s new movie, a feat that the famous star, Ashwariya Rai, was unable to do till now.

My husband and I, like many people of our generation and background, love this movie for the hard and dirty truth it displays. We are probably few of those Indians who don’t cringe with the word “dog” in it, because we know that this city has always opened its arms for its citizens giving equal opportunities. This city has always cheered for its citizens whether they live in more affluent parts of the city or in the open-sewer slums.  

We rejoice when a movie about India gets an international platform because it breaks the mold that India has endured for ages. It dares to tell that there are no elephants roaming around in every city, there are no snake charmers walking on the roads and people don’t live in palaces and forts.

Someday, after all the current sensationalism about “Slumdog Millionaire” is over, somewhere in the narrow streets of the slums, an old man may be sitting under the only surviving tree visible for miles. He will tell awestruck kids about “Slumdog Millionaire” and how it managed to take a few children, just like them, across the seven oceans into a big city of dreams. He will not talk about how the movie showed only the slums and not the India of the Shining Image. He will tell about Frida Pinto who came from nowhere to become the most talked-about actress from India, and about A.R. Rahman, who became the first musician from India to win an Oscar. The movie and the people involved in it will be the shining images left for India to remember and commend forever.

A new friend...

It was cold this morning when Ashish left for his office. Alone now, how to pass the day weighed heavily upon me like a dark, thousand-ton burden. I stood at the French window that frames a lovely view of the lake, brimming with life in the warm months of the year. Now it lay frozen and desolate, the barren trees standing patiently, waiting for the warm breath of summer to return.

The only color visible in the outside world was white. Surprisingly, all the cars were white too, covered as they were with winter’s snow. I missed the colors of the summer months, and the people strolling and playing along the lakeshore. It told me I was in the middle of a vibrant civilization.

I decided to make an effort to pull myself out of the depression that had taken control of my life. As I was about to turn away from the window, I noticed something moving in the shrub that’s right outside my apartment. A large squirrel was staring at me with his big black eyes. The squirrel looked like a toy that someone had placed at the edge of the shrub. I didn’t move for a long time for I was afraid of scaring away the only companion I had.

After a while, the squirrel moved a little closer to my window, but I still did not move. Then the squirrel moved very close to the window, so close that only the window pane separated us. He looked so beautiful with his fluffy fur and beautiful salt-and-pepper tail arched over his back. His large toes and curved claws were clearly visible. Next, he sat up on his back feet and folded his front “hands” close to his chest. He looked like an old man sitting on a stool, wondering what he had forgotten to bring home from the market that his wife had sent him to get.

I suddenly remembered that I had some bread pieces left from breakfast that I could share with this poor soul. My sudden movement to get the bread scared Mr. Squirrel and he ran back to the shrub. I was devastated for I didn’t want to lose my new friend. With the bread in hand, I stood silently where I had stood before and prayed that he would return. After a few moments, he did return, and this time he was a little bolder in approaching me.

When I opened the window, a cold gush of wind chilled my face. Sitting down, I extended my hand with a piece of bread toward the squirrel. He waited at a safe distance, but shifted his eyes back and forth from mine to the bread several times. He was clearly interested in the bread. I realized that I would not be able to get the squirrel to come to me so I made small pieces of the bread and threw them closer to him. The moment I closed the window, he rushed to the bread, took a piece in both hands, sat on his back feet, and began nibbling.

This interaction between the Squirrel and I made me realize how fascinating the tea party must have been for Alice at the Mad Hatter tea party, with the Hatter, the March Hare, and the Dormouse there.

The squirrel didn’t let anything go to waste and never dropped a single piece of bread. All this while, he kept looking at me as he continued to eat. Was he thanking me? I smiled at the thought and wished I could talk to this special animal. After he ate his full, he grabbed one piece of bread and ran to hide it. He came back again and again, each time running off in a different direction to hide each morsel. It was fascinating to see him so busy and so serious with the task of hiding the food for later use.

After the squirrel hid every piece of bread, he came again to my window. This time he stood on his hind feet and stretched his whole body to its maximum length. He apparently wanted more food and stood like this for a long time. But I didn’t want to give him too much food, for I didn’t want to make him sick. I thought, Please come back tomorrow. I can’t give you any more food today.

As if he understood what I was thinking, he hopped away without even looking back. I felt so sad to see him go away like that, and wished that he would come back. And he did come back. He comes back every day now. I have named him Phil and he brightens my life in these gloomy winter days.

I am so happy that I found a new friend in such an unexpected way.

A diwali at home...away from home!

Can’t believe it’s already winters in Chicago. It seems like yesterday when I landed in a snow covered Chicago and now already the evenings are getting shorter and mornings are getting colder. Getting out of bed takes a lot of afford. Today morning while aimlessly walking around the house, putting things on their place with robotic movements, I looked outside and saw a clear blue sky, leaves falling down in a spiral motion as if delaying the fall for as long as possible. I opened our patio window and step out from the warm comfort of my home into the windy cold weather…and as soon as I did that the cold air filled my lungs and I wrapped my arms around myself.

Standing there all by myself… I could suddenly smell the cold, crisp air of Udaipur. The old, white gate opened and I screamed “SPIKKYYYYY” and my dog comes running outside, welcoming me to a place where I belong. He is all over me, licking all my face and to balance myself I have to sit down which is a big mistake because now he doesn’t want to leave me. My sister, binnu comes out to control spiky and manages to free me from his loving doggie-hug! Then comes a loving hug from binnu, a teary hug from my mom, a side hug from my father, big arm hug from my brother, a long lost hug from a sister whom I am meeting after a long time and a pat on my head from chacha….I am home.

The moment I step in I could smell the delicious sweetness of jalebis, the spicy kachoris and dhokle and my stomach starts grumbling from the anticipation of what’s coming! The moment I lay my plate with all the goodies, spiky takes his favorite place, on my feet to beg for all that we are eating!!! Sometimes I wonder if it would be a good idea to place a plate for him on the table! Atleast we could have our own share without feeling guilty of eating without giving him anything. Attacking the breakfast table I gather all the news of what’s happening in Udaipur. Everyone seems to be either doing great or good or bad…the usual.

All the relatives will be landing in Udaipur for Diwali soon… there are going to be loads of parties, good food, loads of dancing and loads of fun. Nothing out of usual but then this usual makes me feel at home. Seems the time never moves ahead in Udaipur but then for me the time flies. Binny and I get down to our annual routine of doing rangoli at our house on the day of Diwali. Binny is usually super excited and I am super lazy. She coxes me to think about which design, what colors and we end up digging our grandmother’s treasure from previous Diwali and take out our colors, designs and some crackles left from previous festival. My brother, Vaibhav, gets excited and starts burning the crackles early. Spiky, our super-dog, comes running from inside all set to attack the source of noise and I look at them laughing, enjoying the madness and happiness this festival brings. The rangoli takes whole day to finish but satisfied that we did a good job; we call everyone from inside and gather the obvious praises!

Now comes the most important part…what to wear in the evening. I decide on saree from my mom’s treasure and binny decides a lehnga from her treasure! My mom puts on her half glass and starts to fix her blouse for my size and while she is doing this I and binny lie on her lap. We discuss everything from my life, binny’s life and life in Udaipur. That is the happiest moment in my life. Makes me want to never grow up! But someone really gets jealous…suddenly jumps on the bed and makes his presence felt, rubbing his nose on mom’s hand and barks to let everyone know… I am the one who has the right to all the love and attention…mom just smiles and pats on spiky’s head! Jealous dog!

Papa comes in from a day full of shopping for dry fruits, sweets, kaju katlis and most of all loads of pujas at his different office locations! He takes a pillow, rests his head on the bed rest and before we know, his snoring fills the room like fragrance from an incense stick! Binny and I hug papa and wake him up from his deep slumber! He doesn’t get irritated but just smiles and rolls back to his beauty sleep. We let him rest…he is our pandit for the day!

Atlast we get ready for the puja and there is no puja without the chaos! Chacha and papa dressed in kurta pajam set the place for puja. Vaibhav does the setting of things in place around puja place, I and Binny light the diyas and mummy places them outside. The puja starts and with everyone even spiky takes his place. The commotion continues during puja…do this, no don’t do this right now…where is the lacha, where are the silver coins…chacha says the Sanskrit shlokes while papa and mummy performs the puja. As soon as puja is over, I and binny rush inside to change in more comfortable clothes to burn the crackles. Outside the air is cold and filled with the smell of burning crackles.

A “Hello” from a person passing in front our house, brings me back to Chicago. Standing there in cold, shivering…I went to Udaipur and came back. Suddenly Udaipur feels so far and unreachable. In the cold, dry air of Chicago, I could smell the air of Udaipur. I am missing home… even though I am at home…

The gold at the end of rainbow...

Few days back, while driving around Ashish and I saw a beautiful rainbow which we managed to capture on our camera. Those beautiful colors splashed across the sky brought back something old which I read somewhere...You will find gold where the rainbow ends. I remember, I read this saying when I was very young in a children's story book. It got stuck with me since then.


When I was young I used to believe that there is really gold to be found. Whenever I used to look at a rainbow, I always wanted to know where it ended. I used to think, if I find that gold, all the troubles would end. I would have enough money so that my dad won't have to work so hard, so that I could have whatever I wanted without thinking twice, I could go on big vacations with my family, own lot of dogs...and then I went to geography class. It was in those dry lectures that I realized that its impossible for me to know where the rainbow ends. Hence, the dream to own that gold was shattered. I never understood the true meaning of this saying.

After so many years when I saw that rainbow in the cloudy sky of Chicago, I realized that the gold is not the gold of this materialistic world. The gold signifies the ultimate happiness. The happiness that we keep pursuing. Then we are alone, we always dream to fall in love, when we fall in love we always dream of getting married to that person and spending our whole life with that person. Once married, we are looking forward to kids; we struggle to keep our parents happy, struggle to keep our kids happy, struggle to keep ourselves happy. The different colors of life, the different moods of life, and different kind of people we meet...they all get lost in a stupid journey to get that ideal world where no one is unhappy. Aren't we making ourselves unhappy in pursuit to keep everyone happy? We are pursuing that gold which we will never find. In that journey to find that gold we forget the beautiful path we are on.

There is no "happily ever after", there is no ideal world...there is no gold. The only thing that remains is rainbow...and so many times we forget to enjoy this beautiful mix of colors, in search of the nonexistent gold. Have we ever stopped ourselves to say...look how beautiful my life is without the mad rush for the ideal happiness. Have we ever stopped to look at the greens of the earth, the blues of the sky and violets, Indigos, Blues, Greens, Yellows, Oranges and Reds of a rainbow...

From Mumbai to Chicago....

I felt the cold winds of Chicago blow into my face, while I sat in my car. It’s been two weeks since I have landed in here. I am still getting used to the idea that it can be cold in middle of March. Back in India, at this time we are already celebrating the onset of summers!! The air is crisp and cold, unlike in Mumbai where you feel you are breathing only water because of high humidity.

Up in the sky, far away I saw a plane flying cutting through the beautiful colors of the evening. Two weeks back, I was probably in that plane...waiting to fly into the arms of my husband, Ashish. The wait to reach him was long. After all we were separated by seven seas and Indian immigration people!!!!

"So, why are you flying to USA?" the immigration officer in India asked me.

"My husband is working there." I replied.

"So?", he said.

I was little taken aback at that moment. How do I reply to this "So!"? I could think of various answers and it made me smile. I didn’t know whether it was joke or that man was actually asking me this question.

"To join my husband", I said with a smile on my face.

The way that officer looked at me, I immediately knew that it’s going to be a long night. That funny question was actually a serious one!

"Show me your papers." he said.

I took out my marriage certificate and other forms to tell that my husband is legally in the golden country and I am just a wife waiting to join my husband. He looked at the photocopy of my husband’s passport.

"How did you get this photocopy of his passport?", he said.

"He gave it to me before he went", I replied. I was not sure why he was asking me this.

"How can this possible? This already has an immigration stamp on it. Do you want to tell me that he got it stamped here and then came out to give you the photocopy?” he said it with a scowl on his face.

I was lost. What was this man trying to say? I was totally confused and for a moment I felt the floor beneath my feet slip away!

"Well, my husband left on 9th Feb 2008. The stamp you see is of May, 2006. He came back to India on Nov, 2006. We got married and he left before me. I am on my way to be with him". I told him and this time I definitely didn’t smile!

"Show me your marriage certificate", he said.

I pulled out the marriage certificate given to me by the government of India. I thought this will shut him up.

"This is not valid!” he said without even looking up.

I simply lost control of what’s happening. How can a marriage certificate with the stamp of valid government seal be invalid!

"This is a district certificate. It’s from Udaipur. How is that possible?” he said again.

Is this guy really talking to me or am I an invisible element listening to the conversation of some other people.

"Well, I got married in Udaipur and hence the certificate from there. I have also got a letter from my husband's company.”I told him. I was desperately trying to convince this man that I am not a fake person!

I pulled out a letter from my husband’s company which stated that I am on my way to join my husband.

How did you get this?", he asked. Oh god! I hope he is not one crazy fan of Sherlock Homes.

"Well, the company posted it to me", I told him.

"Did it come in an envelope?", he asked.

"Yes.", I told him.

I couldn’t help but frown as I didn’t know what he was getting to.

"Why doesn’t it have folds to indicate it came in an envelope?", he said with such an authority that I couldn’t believe my ears!!

These are the people the government of India has hired to see that only eligible people go to the other countries! The most important question this guy here could ask me was why the letter doesn’t have folds!

"Well, it came in a big envelope so that the paper doesn’t need to be folded!", I told him. This time my voice was barely audible. I was afraid whether it was a trick question or a real question.

He gave me a look which said, don’t act smart lady as I have the power to let you go or not. At this point I panicked. What did I do wrong, probably smiled at his stupid question. This guy can actually refuse to let me go while terrorists get in airplanes and have managed to hijack it fly it across the buildings.

"Stand on the side", he said like a teacher tells a student to punish.

I didn’t know what it meant. I went cold. Does it mean that he is actually not letting me go...this can’t be true? I got a valid VISA from the United State of Government. They had checked all my documents. Can this guy actually refuse to let me go?

He gave my papers to some other guy. Must be a senior from the way he held his head up and moved around. I was surrounded by strangers whom I had never seen them in my life before and I am sure I won’t ever meet them again. Yet, somehow they had the power to alter my future!

"Show me your marriage certificate", the senior officer told me.

I pulled out my marriage certificate again. I also added the letter from my husband's company incase even he also has any doubt. He just gave one look at it and gave it back to the immigration officer who was handling my case. He just nodded and went away. I kept standing there not knowing what would happen next!

The officer stamped my visa and gave it back to me with such an air of importance. I could not believe that it all happened to me. I was in such a shock; I didn’t know how to react. What did actually go wrong? If everything was right, why was I stopped in the first place? I walked to the gate like a zombie! Maybe it was just a dream. I pinched myself and realized painfully that it was not!

Thankfully, the rest of my journey went peacefully. When I stood in front of the immigration at ORD, she just asked me three questions -

"Why are you here?"

"Which company does your husband work for?"

"How long do you plan to live here?"

After which she said - "Have a pleasant stay in USA. Hope you have a wonderful time here".

A strange country is ready to take me in and people of my own country had problems without any reasons. The most intelligent question they could afford to ask me was why the paper doesn’t have folds if it came in envelope!

Snapshots of 2007...

Today when Sonali and Rashmi left for their office, when our maid went after doing the cleaning of our house, I sat down on the chair besides the big window of our house and looked outside. There were noises from the near by school, somewhere there was load music playing on radio and the birds were chirping. Life was going on for everyone as it did for every day. For me time slowed down and i saw the memories flash across from the year 2007 flash across me.

I shook myself out of the dream and looked around my house. Four faces, all 32 teeth showing, started back at me...a sketch snap taken on 31st Dec 2006 with Sonali, Manasi, Rashmi and me. It felt like yesterday when all four of us went for a stupid movie because we couldn’t find a better place to go for our New Year celebration. After the movie got over, IMAX Adlabs surprised us by serving free cake. Well, nothing which is free should be left out and we all joined the line for our free cake. After all, it’s new year. We marked the beginning of yet another year by hugging each other and laughing like mad. Something magical was in the air...made us feel on cloud 9. That marked the beginning of year 2007 for us...for me!

Well, the year 2007 was magical for me. My friends got married, some celebrated their 3rd anniversary and as always I felt amazed on how fast time flies. Friend's kids celebrated their birthdays and at these times i always get transported back to life where we girls had no responsibility and as carefree as ever, a vast contrast to what we are today. It always surprises me as how madly happy we were then and how our happiness knows no boundaries even now. My list of friends increased with a single trip to Goa when i found new friends in Deepali and Rishi whom i didn’t know before 2007 started. Well, it doesn’t take much to get such amazing friends...just plan a trip to Goa...Goa will take care of the rest.

Then of course I found my life patner in my best friend. I knew Ashish as a friend for a 10 long years but now I am getting to know Ashish as husband (as he likes to say - to-be husband). We used to spend hours talking on Fatehsagar when we were in college. This time when i went to Fatehsagar with him, holding his hands...there was something special. Sometimes I feel...is it for real? Without being aware of it, i feel a smile appearing on my face and my heart says...it’s for real. Sitting there in my home, looking at my snap with him... I knew it was a beginning of all the new things in life. This year 2007 changed so many things in my life with just one incident.

When i look back at my last new year, watching movie in IMAX and Ashish enjoying in USA...we didn’t have the slightest idea of what this year is going to bring to us. Now that we know, it has made this year even more special.

This year was not only smiles. People lost their loved ones and there were tears too. For every up, there were downs too. What’s a year - 365 days, if you don’t have little downs to make way for ups? The whole journey of tears and laughter were made memorable for me by my friends and family and my new family too. The ride to Delhi for friend's marriage, proposing to Ashish, getting engaged on 23rd April 2007, learning to cook, trips to Bangalore, having a family surrounding me and Ashish to congratulate us for a new path that we have chosen together, a trip to Goa and riding on bike sitting behind Ashish, birthdays in our weekend villa(our small flat in 304), Holi, Diwali and many more festivals, getting a TV and the joy of having cable connection of our own, wiping of tears for friends and letting them we are there for each other...a year gone by leaving behind wonderful memories.

I didn’t realize for how long i was lost but when I looked around my house...it felt the time had stopped for me. Well, the time has come to welcome 2008 with new resolutions and new dreams. I hope this coming year is as wonderful as the year that has gone by...for everyone who touches my life.

Change is only things that constant in Life

How many times you would have heard this saying? How many times something changed in your life and you were sad about it? How many times something changed in your life and you were happy about it?

I am heading towards the biggest change of my life. I am getting married. A lot of things would change. I want to be prepared for it but everyday when i think about my D-Day i get scared. Little things which I take for granted would change. Things that defined who I am would change. I am both happy and sad about it.

Things like my surname. I was born with surname Joshi. The first thing probably my parents taught me was my name - Kritika Joshi. All through 28 years of my life I was known as Kritika Joshi. My school mark sheets, my certificates which I won in competition, the offer letter when I got my first job, my passport by which i have an identity of being Indian citizen...everywhere I am known as Kritika Joshi. I know myself as Kritika Joshi. Yet on 27th Jan...I'll become Kritika Savani. The surname of my husband would be added to my name. I'll move on from being my father's daughter to my husband's wife leaving behind whatever my father gave me and accepting what my husband would give me.

The place which I call my home would change. Since the time I was born I have known my parents house as my home. That’s the place where I first learned to walk. That’s the place where I learned so many lessons of my life. That’s the place where i used to sit outside in winters, surrounded by the sweet smell from garden, feeling the cold wind brush against my cheeks and reading novels. Yet on 27th Jan, it won’t be my home anymore. My husband's home would be my home. A place I used to frequently visit for a cup of tea or evening time pass as friends would be the place I would be living in. In the morning when I’ll get up, my sister wont be there snuggling beside me or my pet dog wont be barking for attention. My mom would no longer come and hug me in the morning to tell me to get up and have the breakfast she cooked for me. My father wont be there sitting on breakfast table, ready to head to office. I would no longer be the daughter of my home...I'll become daughter-in-law of my husband's home.

The space which my parents have in my life would change. All through my life they were first for me. They saw me taking my first step, they were first to hear when I spoke my first word, they were first to see me off to my school, they were first to offer me my first pocket-money. When i won my first award at school they were first to know and celebrate it with me. They were the only people i could think of when had my first salary. My life revolved around them. On 27th Jan...my priorities would have to change. I will have Ashish's parents as my parents. For the first time in my life my parents would have to take second place in my life.

On 27th Jan Ashish and I would be tied through the relationship of marriage. Its amazing how a single event in my life has the capability to change so many things in my life. I am sad about the things which will be left behind, yet I am happy about the new beginnings. I am scared of leaving most precious relationships behind yet I am happy about new relationships. My heart is filled with joy but at the same time scared of the change which will bring with it loads of things which would be new to me. My life is going to start all over again...but this time Ashish will be there beside me, holding my hand through the ups and down of my life. I know change is the only thing constant in life...yet we never have enough time to prepare for it.

Most Important Day of my Life

Cold winter rains splash outside in Delhi, the glass is covered with fog, marking the area of warmth and cold very clearly. Inside the Barista I and Ashish are trying to make sense of the chaos that has brought us together. I look outside...people huddled in groups to defy cold or rush to their cars to escape the cold winds which can chill you to bones. It has been cold and wet winter in Delhi and yet seeing Ashish in front of me for a reason which we both are trying to justify filled me with warmth. He has been my friend for almost 9 years.

We met at NIIT in 1998. I was a girl from St. Mary's School...convent school only for girls. He was from St. Paul’s School...convent school for boys. The simple Hi's and Hello's followed into the knowledge that he is also in the same college where I was studying. Rather he was in the same class as me. It filled me with so much relief that here is a guy from same school of thoughts as I am...in those days, which school one belonged to was as important as one's caste. The meetings in NIIT expanded to meetings in college. We formed a group of like minded people. The class rooms shifted from college to Fatehsagar. I found KANVAS - that was the name we gave to our group. It was really like a canvas where different people filled my life with different colors of life. I found new meaning to life...I found comfort of friendship in Ashish. Then, like different breeds of birds gathered together in a lake for winters fly to their homes in summer...we like those flocks of birds flew away to different cities to find our dreams. I went to Mumbai and Ashish went to Pune.

We met at go-karting ground in Hiranandani in Mumbai in 2003. We were not in touch for 2 years. We both got busy with our lives. That evening when the slight drizzle filled the empty space between me and Ashish, we caught back on life that we weren’t together. The past, where we were best friends...brought us together again. It was new beginning for us again. A pack of popcorn followed by a coffee...followed by star gazing watching the stars of sky coming down to city of Mumbai when we saw lights turning night into day. It was kind of symbolic for me. I had found the most cherished person back in my life. We started meeting once a while. The meeting from Hiranandani followed into meetings with friends on Marine Drive and going together for plays and going for treks. With him the conversation flowed even if we both were not talking. Then, I came to know he is shifting Bangalore. Time to fly again. I remember the treat in Pizza hut and sitting with Udaipur friends after that in another restaurant. My past and present where leaving me again and I had let it slip out of my hand like sand. Ashish from Bangalore went to USA and we lost touch again.

We met at Cafe Coffee Day at Hiranandani in 2006. Ashish just got back from USA. I had just got through Accenture. I was fed up of meeting guys from Shaadi.com. He was a regular visitor of Shaadi.com. We discussed the pains of getting married to unknown and the beautiful dreams of being in marriage. We talked of our past which we both cherished like sweetest dream. We talked of our present which was making us look like adults refusing to grow up. But at the same time we both had changed a lot. We both had seen so much in life that the facts and practicality stared us point blank at our face. However much we refused, life was forcing us to grow up and take notice of things that were shaping around us like the expectations of our parents to see us married...like the loneliness that enveloped us because slowly all our friends were settling into married life...like people leaving us and we couldn’t do anything about it. Yet again I started looking forward to meeting him and he again formed a part of my life. Then, once again he left for USA.

We met at Pizza hut at Hiranandani. I met him after meeting a shaadi.com guy. While talking to the guy I realized that he is again from the same lot. At the age of 31, he was wondering whether to get married or not. He was planning to go to USA and not sure when he would be coming back again. I was standing and talking to him but hardly paying attention to him. All this while, I was looking forward to meet Ashish who was standing right in front of me noticing the irritation on my face. When I met Ashish that day, I looked at him and I realized, I wanted to spend my life with someone like him…then again, why not him? That day while sitting in pizza hut I suddenly felt conscious of him as a guy whom I would love to spend my whole life with. I saw him as a person beyond just as a friend. I saw in him what I was looking for in every guy. I finally realized that I wanted to give him and me a chance. I wanted to know if he was also looking for someone like me. The meeting that day followed into a mail, where I proposed to him.

We met at Barista in Delhi in Feb 2007, on a cold and rainy afternoon. Rest is then a history...On 23rd April 2007, I got engaged to Ashish. It was the most wonderful feeling. Its not about getting married, its not about long phone calls, its not about learning to cook for him, its not about the smiles on the face of my parents and sister and my friends. It’s about knowing that the person whom I'll get married to knows me like he knows his shadow. Its about the love in his eyes for me...its about sharing same interests while being equally different...its about knowing that I’ll be walking the shores of my life while holding hands of my best friend and being in love with him...its about knowing that with Ashish I can be what I am without changing too much about myself and its about all those unsaid feelings that are still finding ways in our lives together.

At times, when I look back, I laugh at my own life and feel amazed at how it brought me to Ashish. My life has been like a game which we used to play as kids in birthday parties. There is a parcel passed around in circle. When the music stops, one layer of packing comes off and the holder gets a small gift. The process is repeated until the all the layers come off and the last person gets the biggest and brightest gift. At various instances of life, I got a small gift, a small hint of what is going to come, only to start the game all over again. The last gift in the parcel game is always what you expect the least yet it always manages to make you happy and thrilled. That gift for me which my life had in store for me was - Ashish.

THE question never seems to fade away. The answer to the question - So, when am I getting married...27th Jan 2008. :-) Everyone’s Invited - Kritika & Ashish

Few of my favourite things

Sitting at next to a window with a hot mug of tea and my favorite book, with the rain pouring outside.
Dinner with my entire family sitting at one dinning table.
Looking at the evening sun rays filtering through the leaves of big coconut trees.
Sitting at Marine drive and looking at the setting sun over the silent sea.
Smell of home cooked food.
Sleeping on my mom’s lap.
Looking at a kid smiling in sleep and wondering who is that kid dreaming of?
Snuggling into my warm blanket during cold winter nights and feeling lazy to get up on cold mornings.
The smell of first rain after very hot summer.
The feeling of fresh and wet grass under my feet.
Looking at horizon from a sea beach n wanting to touch it.
Looking at sun rise from 36,000 ft above the ground while flying home.
Walking along the beach with sea waves playing touch n go with my feet.
A big hug from someone I missed for a long time.
A surprise party which my friends arranged for my birthday.
Getting letter of appointment from my dream company…Accenture.
Rain drops on Roses and spider webs.
Receiving an offline message or Orkut invitation from a long lost friend or a long forgotten crush.
Feeling rain splash on my face and dancing in the rain.
Coming home to a warm welcome from my dearest pet dog.
Listening to songs like Summer of 69 and Hotel California with my old friends.
Waking up to songs of birds in morning.
Climbing on mango trees and getting scolded later.
Dancing to my favorite song when alone at home.
Having orange candy on a hot summer afternoon.
Going on long drive with music playing full blast.
Looking at the full moon and looking at the star full of sky from a place far away from the madding city.
Lazy afternoon sleep on those rare Sundays when I am home.

These are some of the moments that refresh me whenever I think of them. When these things happened, they went by in a flash. But when I sit n remember them, they always manage to put a smile on my face. What are your special moments? Do drop it in the comments...

For my dear sis Shalini, with love

Sitting in Volvo bus, on my way to Mumbai from Udaipur I look outside the window. I had gone to Udaipur for my cousin’s wedding. The night has fallen and it’s completely dark outside. Everybody is sleeping inside. Once in a while I see a little flicker of light far away. I try to make myself comfortable. The AC is on and I pull my blanket to feel little warm. There is a peaceful silence around me and I drift back to a past.

We both had met at Shalini’s house for the first time. The day I met her was the luckiest day of my life. I found in her an elder sister, a best friend and love from her that would last for all my life. From there started a series of walk to school together with me always waiting for her at the gate and she always getting late for school, eating orange bar on Fatehsagar together, rides on Kinetic, sharing little secrets, having fun in the school, giggling in the corridors, sharing the tinniest bit of blue ribbon, sharing tears on school farewell and watching movies late in the night and then feeling scared to go out to lock the doors. We were always lost in our own worlds. When girls in school had loads of stories of their boyfriends we were busy dreaming crazy dreams. We thought of becoming Don. We dreamt of black limousine stopping in front of our house, we getting out of it in black leather attire and holding AK47! I smiled and saw my own reflection in the window of the bus. It was all such a long time back…but the sweet smell of these memories is still alive in my senses.

Pakhi sitting next to me stirred on her seat. Outside saw little bushes blurring into each other because of the speed of the bus. Somehow it resembled my life. Sitting at one place I was looking at my life passing by. I went back to the days of my college when we started our graduation together. We had become bolder in our dreams (the dream of becoming a Don didn’t materialize though!). We started looking at the life’s bigger picture. We were no longer silly girls from school. We noticed boys and we followed them on our Kinetic. We learned to whistle and we learned that all roads in Udaipur lead to Fatehsagar. We learned to bunk college but we learned to study in one month’s prep leaves. We celebrated birthdays, friendship days, Valentine’s Day and each day that we lived together. We learned that having fun with boys is not wrong anymore and we found some very good friends in those days. Our laughter became famous in NIIT and we were known as laughing cousins. We together looked at the Udaipur city from the top of Nimachmata and saw sun rise in the horizon. We learned that it’s not necessary to have money to have fun. From being children we grew up together to become girls. But then life had other things stored in for us…I moved to Mumbai and she stayed back in Udaipur.

I realized that I was crying. My tear in the window looked like a rain drop slipping on the window pane without a support to hold on to. The parting was very hard…on both of us. But we both knew that its best for both of us. We saw a lot of ups and down in our life when we were apart. We used to wait and count days to meet each other and when we met, we wanted to share everything in that short period of time. We gave each other shoulders to cry on and held hands while laughing. We celebrated her getting a gold medal and we partied when I got my first job. We celebrated our success and we shared our first stumbling block in our career. We always found comfort, love and support in each other.

I drew a deep breathe and calmed myself down. Went back to the day when the door bell rang of my house. There was letter for me. A white envelope with golden designs was handed over to me. I saw a very familiar writing. My happiness knew no boundary when I took the wedding invitation of my dearest sister Shalini in my hand. Another phase in her life would be starting soon. The hug when I finally met her before her wedding lasted for long and I didn’t want to leave not knowing when I will get to hug her again. When her hands were designed beautifully with mehndi, looking at her I couldn’t believe that how far the life has brought us together. Her room reminded me of the best moments of life that we shared their together. The garden in front of her house reminded me of the songs that we had sung together when the lights went off in the night. The sound of her laughter reminded me of the days when we couldn’t breather because we couldn’t stop laughing. Her nervous laugh told me that a lot of things have changed. When the music played on her ladies sangeet, I danced with all my heart. When I saw her sitting in her bridal clothes I felt like pinching myself. When Dharam and Shalini we proclaimed to be man and wife, I realized how beautiful she looked being a woman. She was no longer a girl I knew and I realized that all that is past, a part which I will cherish all my life. Life is no longer same…we have moved on…yet again. When she sat in the car to go away I couldn’t bring myself to cry in front of her and I hide myself behind everyone to see her go. I wish I could have hugged her again before she went away but then I wouldn’t have let go of her. I saw a part of me going away with her and I only wish her best in life…hoping that some day my past will meet with my present, with her in it again…

Fifth Goodbye

2 degree temperature outside, winter rains, designs on the inside of the cars window pane against the fog, water droplets on the outside slipping down to the rim, a reunion with friends, a very long hug, tears in the eyes to say how much we missed each other , laughing and catching up with friends in TGIF, fighting over who pays the bill, hogging like there is no weighing machine, prayer inside the heart to stop the rains, morning fog, cold winds, a hot cup of coffee in Costa Coffee with a friend, looking at the capital city from the roof top of the India’s best institute IIT and watching the sun go down, looking down at students who would tomorrow list in the most powerful people in world laughing together, never ending conversations, crisp fresh cold air filling the lungs, shopping in the narrow lanes of Lajpat Nagar like mad then searching for an ATM to fill our pockets again, preparing for dance till late in the night and then getting up early with half sleepy eyes, never ending celebrations, never ending energy to get ready, never ending smiles on the faces of all who were there to celebrate, a broken sandal and a big favor from a friend who took me to shoppers stop on a short notice to get a brand new one, a big family huddled in a room in the night popping champagne and enjoying the last days with the bride and a goodbye to Aarti with prayer in heart to keep her happy in her new life.

These are some of the moments that I have captured in my heart like black and white snaps capture the silent moments of life. Each of these moments I wished I could hold on to a little longer. I was with her and her family for 4 days and I fell in love with her family as if it was my own. I feel in love with Delhi even though it was wet and cold. I feel in love with life again because no matter how cold n hard it becomes, it’s still beautiful.

Arti weds Anuj. Marriages make us realize how important family is in our lives, marriages makes us realize how important it is to move on in life. The smile on Aarti’s face told me how much she loves Anuj. A single look of Anuj towards Aarti said how eager he was to own her. The sound of laughter said how happy the family was. When I hugged Aarti to say goodbye, I didn’t want to let her go. I just wanted to hold on little longer. Well, Anuj on the other side didn’t look like he could wait any longer. That makes it fifth wedding of our group. A fifth goodbye and I still haven’t learned to control my tears while saying the last goodbye.

A visit to an Orphanage

I have been having busy days…some would say “for a change” and I would not deny it. Work is peaceful n I am happy that ways…well who wouldn’t be. Yesterday, 23rd Jan 2007 was a hard day too. During later part of the evening we were reminded that we are visiting a local orphanage managed by mother Teresa organization. Everybody had to meet at Vile Parle station at 10:30. That means I would have to leave my home by 9 if I plan to catch a bus and by 9:30 if I decide to go by train. That meant I had to get up early. Not a very exciting idea if I get to sleep post 12 in the night. Still, I set up the alarm n went to sleep.

At 7 my alarm rang and I grumbled n turned n switched it off deciding to sleep for another 5 mins n then get up and get ready for the visit. I ended up sleeping for nearly 2 hours n I got up when my maid rang the bell. Looking at the watch I realized I was too late to go now, I let my maid in and went to sleep again. I couldn’t sleep. I had made a promise and I better keep up. I rushed from one activity to another, nearly colliding with my maid while brushing my teeth then rushing to have bath, getting dressed, drinking a mug full of milk (yeah its necessary to finish that milk in our house) , combing my hair with Rashmi’s comb coz I cant find my comb which is right in front of me while munching on fruit which was cut by Sonali in the morning( God bless her!!) , I finally managed to reach Vidhya Vihar station by 9:30 only to see a line long enough to give a heart attack to strongest of heart! I decided to cross over to the other side and buy the ticket from there. Luckily, I didn’t find any line over there. Don’t ask me why. I have only one answer…its Mumbai! Finally, with the prized ticket tucked inside my pocket, I got ready for another fight. Traveling in Mumbai train in morning towards Dadar! Those who are not aware of Mumbai local crowd scene…just keep one thing in mine…it takes nerves of Titanium to travel in peak time in Mumbai local. I reached platform all ready to fight n get in. I cursed myself for getting up late n missing out the option of bus. The train which came on the platform was nearly empty. I just couldn’t believe my luck. I just kept staring at the empty train out of shock. Suddenly, a push from lady all eager to get inside the train made me realize that if I will keep staring at this train…I’ll probably end up cursing myself all my life. I jumped inside the train, got a seat, plugged my ipod into my ears n started the journey to the lesser known.

The music had cut me from the outside noise and I wondered off into my own world. I was little scared to meet kids as I not a very good with kids. Will they accept me? Will they play with me? Such questions kept floating inside my mind. I got down at Dadar, went to the western line n climbed into another train for Vile Parle. Will the kids cry when they would look at me? Am I dressed properly to meet kids? I reached my destination after traveling for nearly an hour. I was joined by Hakim (pheww…I had someone along with me) at the station and we together walked towards the meeting point that we had decided. There I met Abhilasha and Seema. In few minutes we were joined by Ankur, Savio Gomes, Savina, Lokesh and Savio DeSouza.

The moment I entered the campus, the whole environment changed. The air was peaceful as if not to disturb little kids. There was pin drop silence which reminded me of my school as a kid. The moment I entered, I felt something missing. Where are the kids? We were showed to a room where the infants were being fed their breakfast. Kids were picked up, their clothes were changed, and they were fed a spoon at a time with boiled rice and dal and placed back careful in the pram. None of the kids were more than a year old. These kids were left mercilessly by their parents on streets of Mumbai. Some were left behind because they were girls and some because they were pre mature and some because they suffered from some terminal disease. I think only a human parent can think of abandoning their child because it’s of no use to them, no other mammal does that. Some where sleeping peacefully and some of them were hyper active attracting everyone’s attention. I tried to pick one in my arms and suddenly a maid taking care of another kid scolded me – “Don’t do that. Keep back the kid. You are not supposed to pick up kids”. I felt embarrassed of not being aware of such a simple thing. They don’t want the kids to get attached to you.

We went to another room, where some older kids were being fed breakfast. Felt like a kinder garden class where my mom used to teach. Only difference is these kids don’t have parents who are waiting for them outside the door of the room. A kid came and clinched to me and I didn’t know what to do. I saw both the Savio playing with kids, running around and talking to them as if these kids were their best buddies. I bent down to see if the kid clinching on to me wanted something from me. He looked at me and hugged me tight and suddenly it became hard for me to control my tears. It was then I realized that these kids ask for nothing but just a human touch. They have might have second hand clothes to cover their bodies and food to fill up their stomach but who would fill up they emotional hunger? By hugging that kid back, I gave a minute of happiness to someone. He might not remember me but I will always remember those big clear eyes and his smile. I felt my fear of kids melting away. I saw smiling faces all around me and my face lit up too. I didn’t give chocolates or toys to these kids but by just being there and playing with them…I never knew it was so easy to spread happiness.

I suddenly felt so lucky to be a part of the world where I know who my parents are. I am lucky that my parents didn’t abandon me for being a girl. I am lucky my parents gave me same opportunity as they would have given to a boy child. I am lucky because I was given whatever I desired in life by my parents. I guess I always took my parents for granted! I hope I am not too late in saying this – I am really thankful to you mom and dad for all that you did for me. I know I have not been a perfect daughter but today I realized what a BIG fool I was. Love you Mom & Dad…

A trip to Ganpatipule - Ratanagiri

Its cold and its uncomfortable. Trying to sleep in a seat meant to sit is asking for too much, I know. Traveling in night in a bus is always painful but then at times it’s more convenient. I remove the so-called curtains and I look outside the window. The world outside my window appears to be hazy because of the moisture on the window. Felt as if I was looking into someone’s dream. Unable to sleep, I look back at my trip to Ganpatipule.

We started on Saturday night. We were a group of 4 girls, looking for some adventure. So, all excited we started before time, well before time meant reaching 2 hours early. It little difficult be early for some place and not to spend money in Mumbai. In Mumbai one can always find a place to spend money, esp. if you don’t plan to spend money. We went to Naturals ice-cream parlor. We sat for half an hour before buying the ice-cream, sat for another half an hour after buying the ice-cream. The place from where we were supposed to catch the bus was crowded to fullest. The long weekend approaching made everyone come out of their routine life. Families, group of friends and here and there some couples, all trying to make sense of all the confusion around them. Atlast our bus came, though half an hour late. With the entry to the bus, we marked our beginning to the journey to Ganpatipule.

A sudden jerk broke my sleep. I realize Sonali was shaking us all and realized that the bus has stopped too. Packed my blanket fast and got out of the bus. It was 5:45 in the morning. A sudden cold wave of air hit me hard because I wasn’t wearing anything warm and it felt awesome. Still in sleep, I tried to make sense of where we were. We started walking to a roadside hotel. In India, by rule everything has to be colorful. The hotel, though not very clean or big was lit up with dancing lights of all possible colors to attract tourists. We ordered for tea and sat down to plan our next phase of trip…we were 32 km from Ganpatipule. The tea came and the owner informed us of a bus that will come at 8 to take us to Ganpatipule. A rickshaw would cost us 250 rs. We decided to wait for the bus.

The tea made me feel better. It was a cold morning. I looked at the sky and realized that living in Mumbai I had forgotten how a clean sky looks. The sky was turning from black to grey and a part of sky started burning in red. Slowly and steadily the Sun appeared marking the beginning of the day. We went and stood at the bus stop. Slowly, people also started gathering around us. Within few minutes a crowd gathered around us. Far on the road we saw a bus huffing and puffing. The black smoke indicated that only few days are left for this bus to retire. All around us the crowd became alert. Everyone started running towards it. As though the bus got scared of all the people rushing towards it, it stopped before the stop only. Everyone tried moving into the bus at the same time causing more confusion and before anyone could realize what happened, the conductor screamed – “No space. Take the other bus!”. The door closed, the bus huffed and puffed some more before moving on. Some cursed, some were too shocked to react and we kept staring at the bus as if it was some bad dream.

The rickshaw ride was much better than the bus, that’s how we consoled ourselves. The road leading to Ganpatipule was narrow and smooth. We sang songs, admired the beautiful countryside. The crisp and cold wind played with my hair. We could smell the sea approaching and before we knew, the road turned and there was sea right in front of us. The sight was so amazing that for a second I forgot what was happening around me. The sea sparkled with the rays of the young sun splashing over it. The waves jumped and danced over the white sand that lay lazily along side the sea. As soon as I looked at the road ahead of me, I was taken aback by the amount of crown that was there on the road. We found a place with clean shower rooms and plenty of home-made food. All with a cost but we were there on a holiday, so just paid and went to sightseeing.

There is a Ganpati temple right on the beach. As we entered the temple we could only see heads and faces. The crowd was rowdy and unmanaged. It was like entering a battle field; you can’t come out without getting hurt. By getting hurt I don’t mean physically, but mentally. It took as an hour for the darnshan and when we came out neither of us remembered how the idol of the God looked but what we did remember was how a guy in front was taking his chances on the girls behind him. If only people would respect each other’s sanity, this world wouldn’t have needed so much of God’s help to maintain the balance.

By the time we came out of the temple, it was nearly lunch time. We headed back to for a hot and delicious, Maharashtrian style cooked meal that was waiting for us. We gulped down the food as if there is no tomorrow. After the lunch we headed back to beach, this time for fun. The water was crystal clear and when I looked towards the horizon it looked a huge blue beast is sleeping with rhythmic ups and downs of its breathing visible. The sea was lined on three sides by mountains, looked amazing. It seemed like a place where you can take a boat to the horizon and forget about the world behind. We played games on the beach, looked at the colorful seashells, ducked each other in the salty water till we were completely drenched. In between we even tried searching for few interesting faces on the beach. Well, we were sure to be disappointed on that front; we were not a part of Baywatch.

The fun and frolic ended with a 6:15 bus back to Ratnagiri, from where we had to take our bus back to Mumbai. The bus ride back is always sad. The return journey has the feelings same as the last day of summer holidays. The fun is over; the work is waiting to start. From the window of the bus I saw the sun sitting in the sea. The rays of the setting sun played on the surface of the sea. The sea looked calm and the sun looked naughty. The sun was me and the sea was my inner self. With day over and the best memories carefully packed inside my heart, I closed my eyes and slept peacefully in the rhythmic noise of the huffing and puffing bus.

The similar landmarks outside my window made me come back from Ganpatipule. I looked at my reflection on the mirror and I smiled to myself. Kritika, welcome back to Mumbai.